Realtime Movie Review: Transformers 2

I’m going to start a new feature on this blog called Realtime Movie Reviews. It’s pretty self-explanatory. I’m going to drink a beer, watch a movie, and type out my review in real time as I watch.

Today’s movie is Transformers 2:Revenge of the Fallen

Pre-movie expectations:
This is going to suck. Even the title is stupid. We’ll see if I am proven wrong or right.

The movie will begin in a few minutes….

2:00 in to the movie:
Pretty cool opening sequence so far.

4:30
First Autobot transformation shot. Very good on a technical level but Ebert was right, the character models make no visual sense.

6:37
…Are you serious? “The twins” characters are ridiculous. It’s going to be very difficult to get through this movie with their mind-numbingly stupid dialogue. It’s also going to be difficult to get through the movie if I’m commenting every two minutes. I’ll try to cut back a bit.

12:00
Man oh man is the dialogue in this movie stupid.

12:02
Ok so, where does a vacuum cleaner get missiles? I can handle the idea of a piece of some alien machine causing mechanical things to come to life…I guess. But just because your vacuum cleaner is now sentient doesn’t mean it would have missiles. Where did the explosive materials come from? Sorry…sorry. I’ll give it a chance. Maybe they will explain it…somehow.

30:00
Shia’s mom eats a pot brownie and she turns in to a raving lunatic with no inhibitions. Yeah that’s….accurate.

32:00
Ok that tiger Decepticon that infiltrated the military base is pretty cool.
That seems to be the norm when it comes to big Hollywood summer movies. Lots of flash, no substance. So far this movie is falling right into that category. It’s like a giant music video; really cool visuals for the sake of really cool visuals. Nothing more.

51:00
If decepticons can take human form, why would they bother turning into giant robotic lions? It seems like a perfectly lifelike human being would be able to sneak int more places than robo-panther.

Also, Megan Fox is officially the worst actor in history. Zero emotion. Her boyfriend is going of too college? Straight face. He blows her off on their first long-distance internet date? Straight face. She even catches him with another girl laying on top of him. Straight face. Does she even WANT to be in this movie?

60:00
Robots have terrible aim. Why do robots even have guns if the only way to kill another robot is by punching it really really hard. All of the lasers and bullets and missiles don’t seem to do anything.

70:00
Only an hour and 10 minutes in and I feel like this is taking an eternity. I’m at the halfway point now. It’s not as bad as I though it would be, it’s watchable after all. But it’s also not good. I’m glad they aren’t showing “the twins” as much as they could have. They are the most annoying characters since Jar Jar Binks.

84:00
Every time something cool happens and I start to enjoy the movie, it is countered by something stupid…something like a little robot humping Megan Fox’s leg for no reason. Why would that happen? Why would a robot be horny? Or have a quirky sense of humor?

104:00
Mikaela: “How do you know this is going to work?”
Sam: “Because I believe it.”

Wow. I’m inspired. That was deep.

117:00
It’s hard to feel suspense and a sense of danger when it keeps cutting back and forth between the goofy slapstick comedy of the twins, and scenes of Sam and Mikaela running for their lives. I don’t get it. Did Michael Bay want me to laugh or feel scared? The result? Neither. It’s not funny and I don’t care if Sam brings Optimus Prime back to life or not. Oops. Spoiler alert.

That’s another thing. As the red twin was being eaten alive he was still cracking jokes and so was his twin brother. Yeah he wasn’t really dead but at the time, the audience didn’t know that. If you want me to care about your characters, Michael Bay, don’t make me laugh at funny jokes while they’re dying.

118:00
What?! Why are Sam’s Parents in Egypt all of a sudden? This is getting out of control.

130:00
In movies you can be as close to a huge explosion as you want as long as you don’t touch the fire. The fire is what kills you when a bomb drops. In reality, all of those people who were 30 feet away from the giant robot when it got bombed by the airplane would be liquefied.

134:00
Sam dies trying to bring Optimus Prime back to life and then they’re both brought back with a huge deus ex machina. I hate that crap. Somebody, either of you, just stay dead so we don’t have to see another movie full of plot holes and deus’s ex machina.

THE END
Conclusion? Despite all of my whining and complaining, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but like I said before, it also wasn’t good. Not by a long shot.

Moral of the story: All that is required to be completely healed and brought back to life is your girlfriend telling you that she loves you and some giant robotic spirit guides telling you that you have a purpose. Gaping shrapnel wounds in your heart be damned.

~ by DontTreadOnMike on July 4, 2009.