Realtime Movie Review: Transformers 2

I’m going to start a new feature on this blog called Realtime Movie Reviews. It’s pretty self-explanatory. I’m going to drink a beer, watch a movie, and type out my review in real time as I watch.

Today’s movie is Transformers 2:Revenge of the Fallen

Pre-movie expectations:
This is going to suck. Even the title is stupid. We’ll see if I am proven wrong or right.

The movie will begin in a few minutes….

2:00 in to the movie:
Pretty cool opening sequence so far.

4:30
First Autobot transformation shot. Very good on a technical level but Ebert was right, the character models make no visual sense.

6:37
…Are you serious? “The twins” characters are ridiculous. It’s going to be very difficult to get through this movie with their mind-numbingly stupid dialogue. It’s also going to be difficult to get through the movie if I’m commenting every two minutes. I’ll try to cut back a bit.

12:00
Man oh man is the dialogue in this movie stupid.

12:02
Ok so, where does a vacuum cleaner get missiles? I can handle the idea of a piece of some alien machine causing mechanical things to come to life…I guess. But just because your vacuum cleaner is now sentient doesn’t mean it would have missiles. Where did the explosive materials come from? Sorry…sorry. I’ll give it a chance. Maybe they will explain it…somehow.

30:00
Shia’s mom eats a pot brownie and she turns in to a raving lunatic with no inhibitions. Yeah that’s….accurate.

32:00
Ok that tiger Decepticon that infiltrated the military base is pretty cool.
That seems to be the norm when it comes to big Hollywood summer movies. Lots of flash, no substance. So far this movie is falling right into that category. It’s like a giant music video; really cool visuals for the sake of really cool visuals. Nothing more.

51:00
If decepticons can take human form, why would they bother turning into giant robotic lions? It seems like a perfectly lifelike human being would be able to sneak int more places than robo-panther.

Also, Megan Fox is officially the worst actor in history. Zero emotion. Her boyfriend is going of too college? Straight face. He blows her off on their first long-distance internet date? Straight face. She even catches him with another girl laying on top of him. Straight face. Does she even WANT to be in this movie?

60:00
Robots have terrible aim. Why do robots even have guns if the only way to kill another robot is by punching it really really hard. All of the lasers and bullets and missiles don’t seem to do anything.

70:00
Only an hour and 10 minutes in and I feel like this is taking an eternity. I’m at the halfway point now. It’s not as bad as I though it would be, it’s watchable after all. But it’s also not good. I’m glad they aren’t showing “the twins” as much as they could have. They are the most annoying characters since Jar Jar Binks.

84:00
Every time something cool happens and I start to enjoy the movie, it is countered by something stupid…something like a little robot humping Megan Fox’s leg for no reason. Why would that happen? Why would a robot be horny? Or have a quirky sense of humor?

104:00
Mikaela: “How do you know this is going to work?”
Sam: “Because I believe it.”

Wow. I’m inspired. That was deep.

117:00
It’s hard to feel suspense and a sense of danger when it keeps cutting back and forth between the goofy slapstick comedy of the twins, and scenes of Sam and Mikaela running for their lives. I don’t get it. Did Michael Bay want me to laugh or feel scared? The result? Neither. It’s not funny and I don’t care if Sam brings Optimus Prime back to life or not. Oops. Spoiler alert.

That’s another thing. As the red twin was being eaten alive he was still cracking jokes and so was his twin brother. Yeah he wasn’t really dead but at the time, the audience didn’t know that. If you want me to care about your characters, Michael Bay, don’t make me laugh at funny jokes while they’re dying.

118:00
What?! Why are Sam’s Parents in Egypt all of a sudden? This is getting out of control.

130:00
In movies you can be as close to a huge explosion as you want as long as you don’t touch the fire. The fire is what kills you when a bomb drops. In reality, all of those people who were 30 feet away from the giant robot when it got bombed by the airplane would be liquefied.

134:00
Sam dies trying to bring Optimus Prime back to life and then they’re both brought back with a huge deus ex machina. I hate that crap. Somebody, either of you, just stay dead so we don’t have to see another movie full of plot holes and deus’s ex machina.

THE END
Conclusion? Despite all of my whining and complaining, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but like I said before, it also wasn’t good. Not by a long shot.

Moral of the story: All that is required to be completely healed and brought back to life is your girlfriend telling you that she loves you and some giant robotic spirit guides telling you that you have a purpose. Gaping shrapnel wounds in your heart be damned.

Happy relative independence day

Undeclared War

Domestic Spying

Unconstitutional welfare programs

Income taxes

The War on (some) Drugs

Anti-Gun legislation

Regulations on private business

Property taxes

Eminent Domain

Infringements on free-speech

Government schools

Suspicionless Internal Checkpoints

Asset Forfeiture

Entangling alliances

Fiat Currency

National Bank

Government Bailouts

…..hurray?

Sarah Palin stepping down. Possible Presidential run?

So, Sarah Palin is stepping down from the governorship of Alaska. This has a lot of people speculating about a possible run for the White House in 2012.

Let me remind you all why she was our Scumbag of the Month last September…

Scumbag of the Month: Sarah Palin

U.K. most violent European country, more violent than U.S.

[ARTICLE]

Britain’s violent crime record is worse than any other country in the European union, it has been revealed.

Official crime figures show the UK also has a worse rate for all types of violence than the U.S. and even South Africa – widely considered one of the world’s most dangerous countries.

Next time you’re arguing with a British guy about gun control and they say the reason the U.S. is so much more violent than the U.K. is because guns are legal, you can throw this back in their face.

Just to put it in perspective, the United States’ violent crime rate is 466 per 100,000

Beer Review: Stone 13th Anniversary

Today’s beer is Stone Brewery’s 13th Anniversary Ale; a beer they’ve nicknamed a “Big, red, hop monster” In fact, this is the hoppiest beer they’ve ever made according to their website. I wonder if they chose to make this beer extra hoppy because last year’s anniversary ale had relativley little hops due to a world wide shortage. Anyway, Let’s get right in to it.

I bought this in a 22 oz. bottle and I’m drinking it from a brandy snifter. I like to drink big aromatic ales from brandy snifters because they trap the aroma in the glass. The alcohol content is 9.5% ABV and it was double dry-hopped.

Appearance 5/5
This is a beautiful looking ale!
Starts off golden but quickly turns a deep dark crimson as it fills the glass. Suprisingly dark. The thick head is a medium tan.

Aroma 5/5
Exceptional! The main thing I noticed was the heavy hop aroma; an exremely FRUITY hop aroma. There is a hint of a malty scent as well but the citrusy hops are the main characteristic

Palate 5/5
PERFECT! Silky smooth like velvet. I was expecting a bitter biting sensation. This seemed to coat my mouth without being sticky. Finished with a pleasant drying sensation due to the high hoppiness.

Flavor 5/5
WOW! HOPS! They weren’t kidding, this really is the hoppiest beer they’ve ever made. I didn’t think I would like it but this was a pleasant surprise. I was expecting the hops to be cloying but that isn’t the case at all. The malty sweetness balances it all out perfectly. The first sensation I noticed was the bitterness, to be sure. But just when I though it was going to be too much, it mellowed out into a delicious sweet citrus flavor. As I swallowed, it evolved into a nice nutty/sweet malt flavor. The hops come back again later as an after taste that sticks around for quite a while, but not in an overbearing way. It left me wanting another sip (which I will take right now before I write up my conclusion…)

Overall 20/20
Stone, you’ve done it again. You’ve made the perfect beer. Like I said before I was expecting the intense cloying bitterness of Stone’s Hoppiest beer to date to ruin the experience for me. What I got was a shocking explosion of hop bitterness that quickly evolved and mellowed into a pleasant nutty/sweet sensation just before it became too strong for my liking. As usual, this beer should be sipped slowy over a deep conversation; it’s a thinking man’s beer. I’m glad I bought two bottles and I will go out and pick up a few more as soon as I can.

Sip slowly and enjoy in good company.

I’m not a porcupine anymore

I’m about to incur the wrath of the freestaters but I am no longer planning to move to New Hampshire with my wife. We signed the (non-binding) pledge and now we’ve changed our minds. We’re moving to Colorado because, while we want to be free, we also want to have jobs, a home, and food. We’ve also been kicking around the idea of moving to Zug Switzerland in the distant future (some of the lowest taxes on earth).

Sorry freestaters. I hope I don’t loose your readership because of this.

Hawaii Ending Universal Child Health Care

[ARTICLE]

Hawaii is dropping the only state universal child health care program in the United States just seven months after it launched.

Gov. Linda Lingle’s administration cited budget shortfalls and other available health care options for eliminating funding for the program.

A state official said families were dropping private coverage so their children would be eligible for the subsidized plan.

“People who were already able to afford health care began to stop paying for it so they could get it for free,” said Dr. Kenny Fink, the administrator for Med-QUEST at the Department of Human Services. “I don’t believe that was the intent of the program.”

“People who were already able to afford health care began to stop paying for it so they could get it for free”

No kidding? Wow. Why didn’t anyone see that coming?

Take note, socialists and nanny-staters. You want to help the poor at the expense of the rich but what will end up happening is everyone will move in to take advantage of everyone else. You programs will fail on their own, they don’t have to be defeated.

I want to move to Europe

Zug Switzerland looks promising. Some of the lowest taxes in the world. In addition, Switzerland is my ancestral homeland. The only downside is, if you as an American live and work in a different country, the U.S. government still collects income taxes from you. The only way out of it is to renounce your citizenship. I’m already on the terrorist watch-list (it’s probably because of my extremely common name but I like to pretend it’s because of this blog) and renouncing my citizenship would almost certainly guarantee I would never see my family again. Think about it, if one of their 1,000,000 suspected homegrown terrorists leaves the country and renounces citizenship, do you really think they’ll let me back in to visit?

In 2011, my wife and I are moving to Sweden for 4 months on her study abroad program. I can only imagine the trouble they’re going to give me when I come back to America…the land of the free.

Beer Review: AleSmith Wee Heavy Scotch Ale

Today’s beer is from AleSmith and it’s called Wee Heavy. It’s a Scotch-style Ale. I bought it in a bottle and I’m drinking it from a brandy-snifter. I don’t know why it took me so long to get into AleSmith, they’re in San Diego, they’re an award winning craft brewery, and they have a blacksmith theme. What’s not to like? Anyway this is my third beer from AleSmith and my first Scotch Ale. Let’s see what happens.

Appearance 3/5
Black with reddish-brown highlights. Very dark. Thin, coffee colored head.

Aroma 4/5
A sweet, almost chocolatey scent. Hints of the high alcohol also come through.

Palate 5/5
Perfect. Nice and smooth. Not too much carbonation but not too little either. Medium thickness.

Taste 5/5
It should be known before trying this that this is a slow sipping beer. If you like high alcohol, high flavor brews -and I do- then this is for you. Surprisingly sweet, the chocolatey after taste is long lasting. Not a lot of hoppiness comes through but that’s ok because it would be a little too much if it did. You can definitely taste the high alcohol content (around 10%) but it is suprisingly pleasant.

Overall 17/20
If you’re looking for an extremely complex beer to sip slowly over a nice conversation with friends, this is it.

Update: Flight 93 land to be sold or seized within a week

[ARTICLE]

The government has given the private owner of the land that flight 93 crashed into on 9/11 an ultimatum. Sell us the land, or we will seize it within a week.

My advice to him, burn it.